Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Mountain Do's

Finally, Blogger.com catches me in a contemplative mood. I have always wanted to write a post that would fire up the waterworks in the reader's eyes. And so it is today, that I give up jackassary, demon worship and relentless pursuit of arbitness in search of higher emotions- beginning with contemplation on the delicate aspects of life. Starting with Food.

You don't want to read this if you want to preserve your body fluids. Drool, mostly.

WATCH OUT trip, Sunday the 26th: At the crack of dawn we trooped out of the Bhawan even as the first rays prepared to start their 8 minute journey to earth. Deprived of morning coffee and breakfast, I was desperately low. This led me to consume a certain super-saturated sugar solution, sold as Coffee by the Marketing Division of Bus-T In Mussorie, someone comfortingly remarked, we would get awesome food. For it was to Mussorie where the 17 early-rising WONA folk decided to head to.
The coffee sloshed in my innards merrily as our bus twirled and pirouetted across the mountain roads. Everyone responded rather differently to the ballerina moves of the bus. Some nodded off, some like me stuck their necks out and drunk in the beautiful view ( with the steadfast gaze of a pigeon), some turned green with sickness.
A final grand jete and the bus threw us out. Into Mussourie, the land of breathtaking views.
Mussourie is a lovely hill station dotted with confectionery shops, expresso machines and ice-cream parlours. It understands the growing appetite of its tourists very well and as you walk up the Mall Road from the Bus Stop, the density of eating joints grows in delightful numbers. Anyone with the fatal Chocolate Deficiency Disease will find instant cure in this heavenly abode.
The smell of roasted coffee beans, bittersweet chocolate and of rum-raisin whiffs fight for space up your olfactory machinery as you walk by. Shepherding us was our Great CheerMan, who seemed immune to the intoxicating caffeine-scented air. Immune and impatient.

Ah, caffeine...
[Citation Needed]
The historic goat-herd beat the Zero-inventing Indian Nerd to the Greatest Discovery, when he stumbled upon the magic coffee bean. Lore has it that his goats went for a change of diet and grazed on some unknown herb. The goatherd went bonkers when he saw the herb transform his usually lazy goats into active, lithe and frollicky creatures.. So he went and sold his goats, pocketed the capital and started his own chain of expresso shop, which we all today know as Costa Coffee.

Every calorie of the chocolate binge was required when we took a detour from the plain path and took the primate-friendly path, negotiating precarious footholds, slippery gravel and itch-causing plants. Successful in getting ourselves lost, we also stumbled upon some ruins. Of course, death lurked in every move we made but what better place was there to die than this untramelled sliver of the mountains. Poignant yet timeless, deserted yet alive, Steep yet inviting.

I was still thinking about the very awesome trek or whatever it was, when we returning back. People again walked coldly past the choc shops, the famous Cheese Omelette shack and the expresso shops.
Such a cold attitude towards food comes handy in Roorkee though, especially towards the blistery chap at Happinezz or the Waste Reusal Dept of the Mess. WHEN will the entrepreneur within us open the patisserie we need? When will Italian Dining at Roorkee stop meaning Cheese Pizza at Prakash? On this quavering note, the post draws to its end. Burpbye.

Saturday, October 3, 2009


"With the lights out , its less dangerous ,
here we are now ,entertain us"
called out the Lizard on the south -facing wall to the Lizard on the east- facing wall.
All this in ultrasound frequencies but enough to wake up the tuna coloured semi-corpse from her sleep.

Its been a week Of Eggs, Bones( broken) and Cramp-ets. One still doesn't get whether the insti is pro-sports or not. On one hand they make us guzzle calories with the air of the doting grandma and then switch roles with the pop-eyed, stuffy Grandfather and make us sit for eighteen TSs and nine end-sems. Speaking of pop-eyed and stuffy, he has done it again. Any event of potential joie de vivre continues to get culled at the altar of the One Who Must Not Be Smelled- Monsieur Swine Flu, all thanks to the Pignacious One.
But still hols are hols, and rollicky they must be according to PG's First Law of Strife, Unihearse and Nothing. With the first signs of autumn creeping into the air, and skies turning bluer than usual and the clock taking its own sweet time to tick,numbing pains easily dissolve into endless hours of slumber.
It was from such an endless slumber that the semi-corpse woke up. In stark contrast to her tuna-like greyness, the lizards were green.
Corpse turned white as death as a lizard expertly rolled out its tongue, caught a passing fly and rolled it back.
Burped. (in ultrasound)
Corpse shrieked (very audibly)

The whole room was wall-papered with lizards. Some were shy, some the romantic types, some had forked tails..they waltzed, jumped, hip-hopped..and because with every species, happiness is intrinsically linked with the presence of plentiful food, there were gazillions of insects too.
One insect decided to take refugee in Corpse's ear-folds, another decided to fish for food in her blood-streams. A malicious mosquito dived into her nose. Corpse yelled in terror and then spat out a fly that had entered her mouth.
The Lizard with the Forked Tail saw this. It gave a snarl and suddenly it looked very like Papa Dinosuar, as it lashed out its tail angrily.
With mean intent, it crept down the South Wall to the floor...
Its big, black eyes never left Corpse as it drew a deep breath and launched itself into the air, straight for Corpse...

General Lee grabbed the blood-bottling fly in one limb, the ear-wig in the other and banged their heads into one another. All in less than a nanosecond. Its tongue caught the phlegmflea and crushed it.
Victory! cried out all the admiring lizards on the walls. In ultrasound, ofcourse. Some of the albino-lizards turned green with envy, which was exactly what they had always wanted, so in the end everyone loved General Lee.

In every scene of Good Versus Evil you always have the sulking, stupid dumbass and here Corpse played that part. She turned blue with fright, as Lee did a victory flip. Purple, as he turned to her with beseeching eyes. Dead, as his mates flocked besides him for the victory march.

Which was when P.G Woodhearses(Fine Makers Of Oak/Plastic/Composite hearses, we help you carry back your beloved dead in style) were commisioned for a mass supply. Which is how we know the details of the above story.


Corpse - Me
Lizard on East-facing wall - Some Lizard
he - Sonofabutcher


Music score - What do you care, most of it was in ultrasound?
Director of Action - Quentin Tarantula
Fitness Advisor - The Cricket